How Two Alphas Build a Marriage That Actually Works w/Dana & Adam

Yeah. Good morning. Where are you? Or is it morning where you are? I don't know where you are. It is morning. Yep. It is 1:00.

Kind of. I mean, it's.

Been morning. Yeah.

Early career, early bird.

So are you in Charleston, South Carolina?

We are.

I grew up in Roanoke, Virginia. Oh, yeah. Sure. Up the road. Pretty close by my standards. I'm in Seattle now, but.

Oh, wow. Not not as close.

No, no, no, I don't get back to you often. I did to go to Charleston. I feel like I went to. There's another one in South Carolina, though. Columbia. Columbus.

Columbia. Columbia.

Yeah. Is that the other big one? The Columbia.

Columbia. Yeah, that's that's the that's actually the capital. And that's where the University of South Carolina is.

I think that's where I was. I was doing a I was teaching on a on an Army base somewhere.

No.

Okay. I'm sure there's Army bases over South Carolina, but there was a I was there for a couple of days a couple of years ago.

Nice.

I like to just kind of go for it. So I'd love just to kind of get to know. Yeah. If you have any questions for me, if you think about like, oh, what would I ask a therapist if I had access to a therapist, you know, and, you know, we'll just see what comes up. I did read a little bit about what you have going on. A lot more information available about Adam than you, Dana. But, you know, I please, please be be the main character or a main character in the whole.

Well, she's about to be. She was just named a USA today bestseller. She hit the list yesterday, two days ago.

All right, well, tell me about that. What? What are we writing about?

I just released a actually, my first book, and it's called restore. It's a 90 day daily reader for people looking to grow intentional in intentionality in their life, faith in their business, and been working on it for about two years. And my launch date, my pub date was February 3rd, and so we've had a really busy last couple of weeks. Busy. And then I was I was hoping to make a run for a list and I did end up. Wednesday we found out hit number 14 on USA today, so I was super pumped. It's been great.

Why not?

Yes, yes.

So real quickly, what's the secret to intentional living?

Oh my gosh, I have 90 days work, but.

90s go. It's only book 1231 books.

Yeah, it's it's really just the word. It is choosing to be intentional instead of drifting. I mean, I think a lot of times even semi successful people wake up every day and they have some success and they go about their life, but they still feel like they are drifting, you know, or you month, 3 or 4 months go by and you're like, what the heck did I do the last four months or six months or a year? And it's really just making the decision to be intentional in your relationships, your spirituality, with your finances, in your business, with, you know, the people around you. I mean, all the things. It's just choosing to actually be aware of it and make those intentional choices instead of drifting through.

Yep.

All right. I'm going to enjoy hearing about it. Tell me a little bit about you guys. You're you've been married. How long and are their children in the mix? And let us know who we're talking to.

For years going on for years behind. Yes. No. For four years. Four years.

This year. Married?

Yeah. Four years. Married this year. Two kids from my former marriage. Danny did not have kids. We. So we have a 17 and a 15 year old. They are. We would basically call them pseudo professional tennis players. They, they they go to a tennis academy here locally and they have for the last six years. And so both of them are off to tournaments as of today. One's heading to Alabama, one's heading to Florence, South Carolina. And so we actually have a nice, fun free weekend this weekend. Yeah.

Yeah, we've been together almost ten years, a second marriage for both of us. So speaking of intentionality, we were very intentional about our marriage.

That's right. Yeah. How?

Oh.

You go first. Me? Yeah. Rock, paper scissors. You go.

Oh, man. Okay. You know, I think and we've talked about this a little bit before, but I think, you know, no one gets married the ever thinking that you're going to get divorced, right? I mean, that's just isn't typically what happens. And so we've spoke a lot about you kind of see things that you, you know, don't like and or mistakes that even we personally made, you know, the first go round. And so obviously second go around being extremely intentional around making it work like just committed for the long haul through the ups and downs. And, you know, both of us have grown a lot in our faith in the last several years. And so I think that that has played a huge piece of the puzzle. But we we could go through, gosh, we hear through a list.

I mean, we are we're nuts about our calendars. Act like we we take the first week of January every year in Florida and we reflect on the calendar of the year before, and then we plan out the whole entire year for our time. So I would say the first thing we are intentional with, other than our faith would be our time. We plan out our vacations. We plan out our quarterly just us time. We plan out tennis tournaments for the kids when I'm traveling for work, when Adams, I mean, it's we're yeah, we're very calendar. And that has been great for our relationship because we are both highly scheduled individuals, you know, in our work life. And so making it just a priority. And then what would you add anything.

To that. So I mean there's a lot of caveats inside of there though I would simply say communication is something that we we is a bedrock of the relationship though it's interesting. And I joke about this too, is we have a house in Lexington, Kentucky as well, and that's where all of Dana's businesses are. And so every usually once a month, we get a break from each other. It's like, you can go, you got to I'll stay here in South Carolina. Sometimes I get I say that tongue in cheek, though at the end of the day it, it it is good that we have we have some distance, if you will, some separation.

And we're both independent. So I think that that has helped a lot. But we did talk about the seven day rule though. I mean we set that year ago.

We started when we started this relationship ten years ago, knowing that we both had businesses in separate states, knowing that we needed to be on the road certain times, that we initiated a two week rule. First it was we would not be away from each other for greater than two weeks, and if it was greater than two weeks, we almost rocks paper, scissors to see who was flying to the other person to to to not break that rule. And we did a good job with them. And now we changed it to seven days. So now it's seven days. So if she, if she's somewhere, if I'm somewhere and it's greater than seven days, the other person will figure out a way to get there and they'll be on that same plane.

I think you you think you shortened it because of diminished tolerance or because of increased, you know, interest or what? What was.

I think really. Which I think.

Released me.

I think really what ultimately we ended up shortening it is because originally when we were dating, before we got married, I lived in Kentucky and he lived in South Korea, and we lived in two different states. So we had to figure out a way to make it work. And obviously because of Addison and Amelia, it was easier for me to really be here more than Adam, you know, wasn't an option for him to leave the state.

And plus, who doesn't love Charleston, South Carolina? It's a great place, great place to live. So I ended up being here more when we got married. We bought a new house here. And then that was really when we were like, okay, if I'm going to be here, you know, primarily three weeks out of the month, then no more than seven days and a lot of that, I mean, obviously we do miss each other a lot, but I think sometimes, you know, when you have a longer gap away from each other, like things, it's easier for things to creep in and, you know, maybe not communicate as much or you aren't sharing as much.

Well, it was interesting when we first got together, I don't even remember why we went, but we did go to a therapist just to have a conversation. And she said, I just want to expose this for you guys right now is that you're both alphas, and the one thing you're going to do is butt heads on who's going to lead. Yeah. And and that is something to this day, ten plus years later, that we still have conversations around. And the neat part is and then going back to my world of communication, we'll communicate that to each other. Okay. This is you take the lead on this. I'll take the lead on this. You take the lead on that in that way.

Do we butt heads? Of course we butt heads, though. At the end of the day, it is okay to communicate and say you take the lead because this is a strength zone of yours, or you take the lead because you have more passion in this space for this or whatever it is. And that really has worked out extremely well. So I'm glad that she pointed that out to us ten plus.

Years ago. When you butt heads like, does one of you win most of the time? Does one of you give up? Do you play rock, paper, scissors? How do you how do you heads and then come to some kind of.

That's a great question.

Adam is like the ultimate communicator, where I tend to maybe be more like silent and just, you know, ignore or not, not want to, like, get into it, as I would say. And so I've really had to learn a lot around just having open communication and us being when we do but heads. Or if there is a situation where like we're both very, you know, high direct alpha people, like Adam said, I, we stuck with the energy thing to that. That's interesting, I'll tell you that. But I think we just talk. I mean, and then when we do normally we figure out, I wouldn't say, I definitely wouldn't say one of us wins more times than the other. Yeah.

I do, I do catch myself apologizing more, though.

He definitely.

Will apologize. Apologize first, I will I will know that I make the mistake, and I will know that I either overstepped my bounds or done something that was either not kind or in the moment of a rash decision of some sort. And she always says, I know you're going to apologize. And and I'll hold that as a little bit of I'm not going to apologize then. And in about 48 hours later, I'll apologize.

Yeah. So you're you're good at apologizing, Dana. Are you good at receiving an apology?

Yeah. I mean, I can be overstuffed pretty quickly, so I do. Yeah. Then I'm like, okay.

No, she said, good job. Dana's really good at.

I can roll.

On her. She rolls on real quick, doesn't hold a grudge. And and that was something that we said in our early parts of our relationship to and without sounding cliche or silly, it's like a ride or die type thing. Listen, I know that we're both going to make mistakes. I know that we're both going to hurt each others feelings one way or another. I know that I know things are going to happen. But here's the thing I love you unconditionally. And we took a vow to this. And we're going to we're going to move on. Yeah, we're going to move on from it.

You said that we could ask you questions since we have a therapist. So I'd be curious how what do you see typically when both people are alphas and, you know.

I mean, in energy. And it's very fascinating to watch because we've had I've had another relationship coach prior to and I'd love to hear I want to hear your answer there, Zach. Prior to proposing to Dana, I hired a relationship coach for myself, and that was one of the very first things he walked me through because I said, okay, coach, we're getting on this call. Here's what I want. I want you to teach me more patience, more compassion and more protection. How do I do that for Dana? And he's like, all right, we're going to have a feminine and masculine energy based conversation right now. And we went down that path and he said, do you realize the first two things that you shared with me were feminine based energies?

And is she asking for that? And I said, no. He said, why are you asking for it? And I said, I think I need to be that. He says, well, but if if your energy is that of masculine the majority of time and hers is as well, you're going to walk into a scenario where you're going to be inauthentic and it's not going to be desired by her. So what does she really want from you and what are we working on? And that was that was great. And so from that moment on, we get to pay attention to masculine and feminine energy all the time. And it's really kind of fun to see. But yeah, back to back to the question for Zach. Let's see what he's got.

Because we have friends that struggle. Like we have friends that are both alphas and you know, they're like, this is hard. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think, you know, you've got this thing that you're calling masculine energy, which typically means that you have this desire to win or to be dominant or to be kind of a little harsher. And in our world, that gets rewarded quite a bit. Like that's actually how you get good at a time out of money is you kind of have the ladder and it's not how you necessarily achieve intimacy. And so when people who have this kind of dominant energy, I got to win. I got to win. This is why I ask you this question. Like, who wins and who loses? Because if one of you wins, then the relationship loses. Yeah. So part of it is understanding a little bit of like how do you have this masculine energy.

So I have a question that that's lingering in the back of my mind. It's a little bit like I want to I want to say two sentences to you and you tell me which one you resonate with more, which is something like, I'm in relationship with people and their sentence one I would love you if you kind of fill in the blank, right? Like this is this position I'm in. The other one is, if you loved me, then you would like, do you? As you hear those two sentences, do you resonate with either of them more than the other? Neither of them is great. I get that part. I'm not trying to out you as a as a bad lover. I'm just.

A question. Yeah, I know you.

Get there.

But yeah, I.

Was thinking I would love you if dot dot dot. And the second one is if you loved me then you would dot dot dot. If you loved me, you would change your behavior. Is the is the sort of root to that.

I'll let you step on that landmine. You go first.

I mean, I don't know because I don't really feel either one of them.

I don't think either way.

Both of those are grandiose positions, right? Both of those are kind of masculine positions or one up positions where where there's a condition to the relationship. And so sometimes when you when you surface that for people and you kind of go, oh, this is the, this is the condition that I've laid out, which is you get my love if you behave properly or. Yeah, if, if you loved me, then this is how I would know because you behave properly or whatever it is. And when those two things clash, that's where it's really hard to kind of figure out how to bridge the gap, because there's a, there's a little bit of an obstinate right that comes in. And who's going to win this one. So what you have to help people do is come, is realize that sometimes the best way for two outfits to settle an agreement is, is, in fact, scissors.

Yeah.

Yeah. We care more about the relationship than we do about winning here. Yes. I'd rather I'd rather be connected to you than then get my way at the. At the expense of destroying you. Yes. Lot of people.

Don't forget. I think we've learned that over time. Which is maybe why the both of them didn't sound right. Because I feel like we've learned that, you know, over several years and knowing how we both are, and I think, you know, what we've experienced is a lot of times and even in the beginning, I would say maybe a little bit of this, but when you have two alphas, sometimes it's like, oh, well, you got to be a bestseller.

Oh, well, you get to go do this or oh, well, you get to have this coaching community like it's more of like a comparison thing. And I think for, for us from, you know, at least in the last several years and really early on in our relationship, we just committed to being intentional with supporting each other and knowing that, you know, and back to actually let me back up now, I'm remembering something that she said when we saw that, when we saw that therapist in the very, very early on and she said, she said something to me about my first marriage and why, you know, she kind of felt like it didn't work for lack of better words. And she said that it was because I didn't see him as an equal. And she said that, and we unpacked.

That because you were in your alpha position, because you were sort of in the.

I think.

So, yeah.

I think so. Yeah. And you know, when I look back, I probably I definitely was like that. I didn't see him as an equal in the way that she described his act was she said, you know, if something were to happen to you, would you feel like not just financially but emotionally and, you know, just I can't remember the word she used, but what I feel like that he was equal enough that he could everything would be okay, basically. And my answer to that was no. And and so I remember hearing, like I remember talking to her about that in packing that, you know, multiple times. And then I remember, you know, years or so later coming to Adam and saying, I do feel like we are equal. And I have always felt that way. And I do feel like, you know, maybe I have a better month than he does one time, or he has a better month than I do one time or a year or whatever.

And we've both experienced that. But no matter what, at the end of the day, we do see each other as equals, and we do feel like we both got each other's backs. And, you know, God forbid something happened to one of us. Like, I am 1,000% confident that Adam will figure it out. And and I think he feels the same about.

Me for sure. Yeah. I think the word there that we're looking for is I don't think you said it's was supportive. Yeah. Very supportive. Maybe you said that very supportive of each other when when I, when she was going through this journey of writing this book and having the the target of hitting a USA today bestseller list in her first book, I never once thought it was an impossible goal, but the more we talked to people who had.

Many people did.

And the more the more people that we got around, there were like, you realize this is going to be your worst book ever. It's not going to hit the list, right? I was like, well, it says who, write says who? And so when she I mean, even, even the night before, she was doubting the true story.

This was last week.

Hit the list and we're sitting in the hot tub together the night before it is to be released. And she says, and I'll paraphrase just a little bit, she basically says, do we have a contingency plan if I don't hit this?

No. I was just like, what will I.

Tell people? I tell people if I don't hit this like you, you you just move on. I mean, there's nothing to explain. You just.

Tell.

People you.

Got a great that will change their lives.

Yeah. That's right. You don't owe anybody an apology. And the moment I was at the gym and she called me, it was like 6 a.m., and she said, I. Well, and this is fun. You'll appreciate this, too. And so all the listeners, she says, I opened up the USA today list and it was 150. Yeah, yeah. And now I would have started at the top because I wanted to see if I was going to be number one. She starts at the bottom, she starts at 150 and works her way up and she doesn't see it for the first. The first doesn't see it for the next 75. And she's like, where is this? And she finally sees it in the top 15. She says, number 14. And she's like, wow, I hit 14. So the moment I heard that, I finished the workout and I got on my cell phone and I just started texting everybody, not because it had something to do with me, but because I.

I knew she wouldn't gloat. Sure, she should do something on social media. She would share on social media, but I was like, screw that. We're going to go right to the sources and tell. I'm going to tell as many people as I can about this to support her. And and she's like, who are you texting? It's 6:30 a.m.. I was like, everybody, I'm texting everybody. So yeah, so supportive. Right. Supportive I think is a great word.

Yeah. That's I mean it's one of the famously it's one of the seven principles of making marriage work, which is this idea of we share life goals, we share life dreams, and we pursue them together. And we have each other back in the process of that. And, you know, part of that is you got to know what they are. And it sounds like you have this, you know, commitment to being really transparent. And, I don't know if that's exactly the right word I want, but, you know, in the spirit of your community, your commitment to communication. Yeah, just it's just out on the table.

Yeah. Well, we. And you said something. Actually, I think I mentioned this earlier about how we do our calendars the first week of January. I mean, we, we go plan for the whole for this year, for five years. We make vision boards together.

We vision boards.

Together, do it.

With us to present them to us. We present them to to them. So everyone's kind of in a in a way.

We share them up on the big screen TV and everybody kind of says why they put theirs on.

Their presentation. Then dinner takes them and laminates them all it can goes or wherever she goes. And but we carry them around. I mean, they're on their, on our phones, they're on our home screens. Right. And it's, it's.

We are invested in each other's goals.

And you'll appreciate this okay. So here's here's another inside the Roach family story.

So scared.

Addison. Last night we were having a conversation and he did not wish. Dana congratulations. He's a 17 year old boy. They they and I'll just I'm going to not justify his behavior. But he plays he gets up at 6 a.m., he's on the court by 615. And he's off the court by roughly 6:30 p.m.. Right. So he has school somewhere in the middle, and he and his sister do the same thing. And so he said, dad, I saw the text and I saw it, and I felt really proud, though I didn't say anything because I forgot basically. Right. Okay.

And and it did hurt my feelings. I did, you know, you want the people that are closest to you to.

But but.

My point out of you.

My point with this wasn't that he didn't say that. This was his reply. He's like, yeah, we got a family text. And he's like, we're off.

And like.

Yeah, yeah, all family.

He's like Adam's sister and her kids.

And got it.

We're always celebrating something because we're all always doing something amazing. If he's like, I.

Just like, I didn't think it was a big deal.

I just saw it and I thought, oh, the Roach family did something else amazing. I was like, well, that's kind of cool that you think that way.

Because there is always winning a tournament or playing a sword or, you know, having a.

Very interesting that he said that. But but I, I share that too. And on this podcast, simply because it's we are investigating each other's goals. We are invested in know each other's goals. That was on Dana's. That was on Dana's vision board. And so it's almost like it's not a surprise when we achieve things on the vision board, because that's that's what we set out and intentionally do together. It's really kind of fun, right?

Dana, do you play tennis?

No, I do not play tennis, which is another lesson we've talked about before. I had I know I'm not very athletic, to be honest, Zach, but.

She's got two left feet.

She's good. I know, but I mean, Adam played tennis in college. The kids have played since they were, what, three, four and I had I had no idea about tennis. So I would say for 2 or 3 years, I mean, all I did was just my head back and forth when I would watch and no clue what was going on, I would say all the wrong words. But I learned because another lesson we learned a long time ago is like, you get into what other people are into that you care about, and if you really care about somebody like you, get into what they're into. And obviously Adam and the kids are very into tennis, so I needed to get into it, you know? And now we do all the things. We go to the US open and watch all their matches, and we do family trips together when it comes to tennis. But definitely don't play. But I can I can keep a score now. She can't, which.

Is a good job.

Which is a big step from where we were.

And I wonder if you have any like knowing how important tennis is in your family and that you spent a lot of time around. It would be a like a life lesson or a relationship lesson that you would take away from the court. Do you have something in your pocket?

Oh, do you have for hours? I'm just curious how long we have on here.

I mean, if you think about it, if we go back to scoring or winning, it all starts with love, right? So it's all about love. No kidding.

You're not wrong.

Yeah, well, what's really interesting about tennis is. And we were having a conversation about this maybe a couple of days ago. Tennis is a very individual mental sport. There's sure you have to be physical, though, if you really break it down from a comparison to other sports, you're 78ft away from your opponent. That's baseline to baseline. You can't talk to your opponent. You can't talk to the official. You can't talk to your coach. You can't talk to anyone in the stands. It's literally just you in your mind and your racket and ball. Right. So so if you and they teach you to be and I've known I've learned this, I can't. My father was an Olympic swimming coach. So we we had a lot of life lessons in our house as well.

Though tennis is a mentally controlling sport, you've got to mentally stay with it. Otherwise you're chucking your actor, the fence, the every other ball you miss. And to bring that into the relationship, it's actually a a thought process of pausing. Right. Because inside of tennis, after you finish a point when I was 12 years old, I learned a pattern. And the pattern was after the point. Win or lose, you pause. You take your racket from your dominant hand to your non-dominant hand. Well, first of all, you have to have a release, right? So the release is and my coaches always, always say it's got to be within the confines of the rules. Right? So no smashing rackets, no doing whatever it is that's outside the rules.

And then you switch your racket from your dominant hand to your non-dominant hand. You're picking your strings. Your back now is towards the court, and you're mentally preparing to release the last point and prepare for the second point, because you have a very time, time you have a short time frame between at that point and the next point. Okay. So let's bring that into relationships and the relationship side you really have to pay attention to. Are you about to react or are you going to respond. Right. Are you going to let go of that last whatever it was, conversation argument, or are you going to bring it forward into the next one? And I like to call that the vegetable soup.

Right. Are we having a carrot soup conversation? That's one topic. Or are we going to have a carrot or a vegetable soup type conversation? And as many topics that were pulled in from the last conversation in the last argument, because in tennis you do the same thing. If you don't let go of that last point and you bring it into the next point and you lost the previous one, you're probably going to lose the next one because you're carrying that with you. So yeah, I could I could do many, many comparisons of relationships to tennis. But that's a that's definitely a one that I believe has helped helped me in the relationship, is knowing that if I'm reactive and I'm carrying something from yesterday forward that is negative, I'm probably going to lose today.

Right on. Yeah, I was wondering. I like talking about tennis a lot. My kid plays.

Oh, nice.

She's she's like very, very good at her high school. Nice. And then you know and then we go to the state tournament and she gets her clock cleaned by all these kids that are like, like really into tennis but like, so she's in she's graduated now. But she went to the state tournament three years in a row because.

Wow.

That's good around here is like you can be a pretty good athlete and you know, swing a racket. You can make the state tournament, but then you get to the state tournament. You find out that there's oh, this is actual real tennis players. Anyway, that's not my point. My point is to your question about two alphas earlier. You know, you get two alphas on a tennis court. It's very easy for them to get on the court and start to try and win the point. Smash the ball. Let's see if I can make you run and see if I can do it. Put the two of you on the court and you start to play that game. Adam will win every single time. Every single time. You will win the point.

If you guys go though, and you start the exercise of playing tennis together, and the goal is to keep the ball moving as much as possible. Yeah, he'll hit it in a way that you can hit it back and you'll hit it back and it'll go back and forth, and it might be really ugly and it might not make it, but the what we'll be doing is keeping the ball moving. I think to your question about like what happens when two alphas come together? Well, they can try and win the point over and over again, or they can just try to keep the ball moving.

Yeah.

That is a different, different way of engaging conflict or, you know, head butting because it's not so much, what are we doing here? Because you're going to be gifted in different ways. You're going to have different strengths. Weaknesses. Yeah. If we play just to one of your strengths, like who's better at tennis? Adam wins every time. Yeah. We play to the strength of how do we keep this ball moving. You start to collaborate. You start to make it easier for each other. You start to enjoy the time. Even though Dana is no good at tennis. Like that's. So when I'm talking to couples, I'm often it's easy to get distracted by whatever the content is. But I think it's really about helping them establish context. Right. That's good here, you know, because if what we're doing here is just trying to get to the bottom of a thing, we can we can bat this idea around for a long time for trying to in.

All you have to do is either be stronger or cheat. Yeah.

Two things around online. We actually played pickleball not too long ago. Oh yeah. And so we played we played doubles pickleball. So so luckily we were on a team together. I say luckily, I.

Guess.

But we were on a team together. And that was kind of funny because we actually got to take a step back. And, and I had to not want to try to dominate the court and have.

Fun just trying to not get into leave with an injury.

So then I was also laughing because I was visually seeing us rallying a ball back and forth. And to your point, absolutely. I can hit the ball right to her and I can set her up and she'll be just fine. That doesn't mean that her ball is going to come right back to me. And that's sometimes how I feel in life, is I can hit the ball right back to her, but she's going to hit a ball way over there that I have to run to try to go get or over here or over there, but I think I do the exact same thing to her sometimes. Yeah. That's good.

Well, and of course there's a difference between somebody who is, you know, a little clumsy with the way they hit the ball. And so sometimes you have to work a little bit harder to, to get to it. And someone who's intentionally trying to hit it in a way that is causing problems for you, you know.

Yeah, totally.

When they are the first and you assign them the role of the second. So when they're clumsy and you going. Come on. Oh my God. You know, jeez. You know, then you're then you're on a side quest which does not have anything to do with the game anymore. So yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know. My favorite thing, honestly, is to talk metaphor. Like how does metaphor work? Like how does tennis teach us about relationship? How did that my favorite. I did an interview on Marriage Radio a couple of weeks ago with a couple, and their whole thing is a scape rooms thing. That's the thing that they do.

On your podcast. Yeah, that would look good.

Yeah, it was amazing. I loved I love those guys. They were they were the coolest. And they, you know, because they had this theology or philosophy about how the thing I do over here informs the thing I do in here, you know, and, you know, to your point, Dana, about your book, when you're intentional about the way that even that you do conflict. Yeah. Or the way that you engage another alpha, you set the right context. You can kind of get anything done, I think.

Yeah. Yeah. I was actually just thinking of when one of the things that has helped us a lot to being in that space or like when we have, you know, something upsets me and I go to Adam about it or something upsets Adam and he comes to me about it. We had someone teach us a long time ago. I don't remember if that was Flanagan or who that was, but said that we need after the before the person starts the rant, that if you know it's coming, then you can pause and say, okay, is this do you want me to feel this or to fix it? Because a lot of times we go into like quick fix mode and not necessarily feel mode, which plays back into what you originally talked about with the intimacy, I think.

And we're like constantly like, you know, if Adam's got something, I'm like, okay, well, let's take let's figure out how to fix it. Or, you know, somebody you know, upsets me or whatever, which no offense, any. But that's kind of what you did last night with Addison. You should have asked me if you wanted to fix it or feel it burst instead.

That was a definite fix that had.

Been locked in. And Adam was like, we're about to talk about a lesson of being aware of things. And I.

Was like, shut up, and you're gonna listen.

To this? Great. But but that did help a lot because, you know, then on the front end, then I'll be like, no, I don't want you to fix it. I just want you to feel it. Like, I just need to share with you how I'm feeling and vice versa. And I think we've both kind of learned that over the last several years, and it has helped a lot so that we aren't going right into, okay, let me just figure out how to solve this.

It also pauses the listener to listen. Yeah, versus jump right into solution mode, because sometimes it is just that they don't they don't want a solution, they want an ear or they want a shoulder. And at that moment in time, while it may feel good for the listener to solve the problem. Yeah, the one giving it isn't ready for a solution yet.

They should release in. Prepare a moment, right? Like release your own agenda and prepare for the next thing. That's right. Listeners will recognize that the thing that is closest to what you're describing, that I say a lot, is it's a kind of a joke in our house is do you want to be helped, hurt, or hugged?

Oh, I love that.

Good. So we got like the the alliteration of do you want me to feel it or fix it?

Yeah.

And now we've got the other one with the H's. Do you want to be helped, hurt or hugged?

I love that.

I like.

That too.

And that's.

So good. It's been fun talking to you guys. Congratulations on your book and making the list of you. Thank you so much.

The book is called restore and it's 90 days to Intentional Living. And you can. It's everywhere now. I have been saying preorder preorder preorder. But it's it's out so you can buy it on anything. Books and and Amazon all the things.

Well what's what's the website restorative.

Com also I have a bunch of freebies on there too. People can get.

Yeah. Very cool. And Adam, if we want to learn more about what you're up to.

Yep. He's got my Instagram. Adam r Roach they they can also come to I love coaching Co. We have a very large coaching community and they can go check out all.

They're very good. Yeah I got a guy and my client practice my practice right now who is entering the world of coaching. So I'd be glad to let him know of your great about it, but I will. I'll make sure that he's aware. And yeah, if that's your jam, check these guys out. Thanks again for joining me and enjoy the rest of your weekend in Columbus. And Charleston. Charleston, South Carolina.

Thank you for having me.

Thanks for having us.